Dr. Mitu Khurana – A Mother’s Fight Against Sex-Selection

Dr. Mitu Khurana
March 1, 2014

1. Tell us about your childhood in India. What was your relationship with your parents like? What did you think growing up, getting married and being a mother would be like?
I had a very happy childhood. I remember being told time and again by my parents that they wanted two daughters and that they had prayed for their wish to come true. So I and my sister were a dream come true for them.

 

My father always said to us, “You have brought luck into our lives.” In fact, someone asked my father recently about how he feels having just girls, and he responded, “I asked God for two daughters, and He has given me five daughters,” (my sister, my daughters,my sister`s daughter and me).

Never was I made to feel unwanted because I am a girl. My sister and I grew up in a totally sheltered atmosphere. We both did everything and anything that we wanted to. Never were we told that we couldn’t do something because we were girls. I studied to become a doctor.

I never knew that life for girls could be any different than the life I had. My sister and I were sheltered from the stark realities of life. All our needs were met even before we asked for them. The only thing my parents wanted from us was that we study well and complete our education before getting married. They had no other expectations of us. In our family, we all lived for each other. If one person was fasting on a particular day, the rest of the family would eat vegetarian food on that day.

2. You had a happy and loving childhood but things changed after you got married. Please share with us what happened with your dowry, the abuse and violence you faced, the harassment you faced to abort your daughters, and your in-law’s treatment of you and your daughters after they were born.

I guess the last time I was happy was on the day of my marriage. That day was an end to a carefree, sheltered and pampered life. It was the beginning of a struggle, one which would change me from an over-protected daughter to a fighter, from a pessimist to an optimist, from someone who always gave up to someone who learned to persevere through any situation.
Marriage was a turning point in my life which would expose me to the stark realities of life outside of my loving and supportive family:
• The reality that despite all our advances, women in our society continue to struggle. We struggle to be born, to live, to eat, to study, and even to live with self-respect. And the struggle is so often with those very people who are supposed to ensure these most basic rights.
• The reality that life is very different from what we all are led to believe.
• The stark reality that despite all the talk about the empowerment of women, it is a far-off dream. The reality that, really, no one cares or wants to do anything about it; everyone is happy with how things are, or, even if they are not happy, it is a “chalta hai” attitude which is running this country.
• The reality that there are laws, yet still justice is more often than not out of reach of common women.
• The reality that the very authorities who are mandated to enforce the so-called “women friendly” laws are not willing to enforce them.
• The reality that though laws are there, the implementing system itself makes it more of a harassment to fight abuse than to live with it.
• The reality that most of us have accepted abuse as our way of life, and we do not feel that we can do anything about it.
The day I stepped into my in-laws’ house, I felt unwelcome. After all the rituals, I was shown my room. It was on the top floor of the house. The bed and the minimal furniture which my parents had given in dowry were there. Other than that the room was essentially empty. It had not even been dusted. The mattresses still had their covers on. Thank God at least someone had bothered to cover them up with a torn old bed sheet. This was the room which greeted me, the new bride, into the home.

From the next day onwards taunts started appearing: taunts for insufficient dowry, for bringing an old used Santro (car) instead of a Honda city car, and for not getting a flat (apartment). I thought that things would change with time; they did change, but only for the worse.

I never protested, nor was I in a position to. My husband, Kamal, would shout at me for no reason and in front of anybody and everybody. He would get angry with me if there was even one call from my parents or sister. On the other hand, sometimes he would demand, in the middle of the night, that my parents should pay him a visit as he was now their son-in-law.

Life had changed totally. Now I was living in constant fear. I was doing everything to please my husband and in-laws so as to try to find a niche, a place for myself, in that house. Life was so unpredictable; I never knew what was coming next. I still tried to love him. Sometimes he became unexpectedly loving, and in the very next moment he would become violent and start throwing things around.

My mother-in-law would say to me, “You keep quiet. Women should not speak when their men are angry.” I would yearn for the few times when he would show me that he loved me. Till today, I do not know why I tolerated all the abuse.

I thought that time would change him. I thought my love would improve things. I thought that, perhaps, children would soften him. I became pregnant.

The violence continued during my pregnancy and increased once it became known that I was carrying twins. Now they wanted to know the gender of the babies. After they got it done by deception, they wanted me to kill one of the babies, if not both.
I remember falling at my mother-in-law`s feet and begging her to please not make my babies feel unwelcome even before they come to this earth.

Even before my babies were born, people were wishing them to die. I remember my husband coming home and demanding an abortion. I remember shielding my tummy with my hands when my husband would shout at me, as if that would shield the babies from his shouting, as if that would stop them from hearing. I remember telling my babies that Mother wants them, even if the entire world does not. I remember crying myself to sleep often. I was losing weight. And then, after the abuse became too much, when he pushed me down the stairs and locked me in the room so that I would abort, it was then that I decided to commit suicide. I could not kill my children before birth. I would just die with them.

Just before taking the drastic step, I called up my father to bid him farewell. I told him, “Forget that you have two daughters, just think you have one. Think that rather than marrying me off, you cremated me.” I remember the day and time very well. My husband was watching television, oblivious to all the hurt and pain he had been causing me. I don’t know when Papa called him up and asked him to bring me back home. I just remember his coming into the room full anger and dragging me into the car. I remember he was so rash, slamming on the brakes every five minutes and shouting all the way. Was this death… or was this my life?

After I was returned to my parents’ house, I was brought to one hospital after another in order to save my pregnancy. I was now on complete bed rest to prevent a miscarriage. I remember Mummy giving me something to eat every two hours, even during the night, to help me regain the weight I had lost. I remember crying in the hospital wards because every woman had her husband besides her except me. I remember not wanting to go to the hospital because I would feel jealous and full of self-pity seeing other women so happy and being pampered in their delicate stage of pregnancy.

I remember Papa losing control over his anger, when I was admitted to the hospital due to pre-term pains, because Kamal came there and started shouting since we did not let the miscarriage happen. Papa told him, “If you can’t be a good husband, be a good doctor, at least, and leave Mitu alone.” Alone he did leave me…. he never visited for weeks …

And then my babies came into this world. I remember the feeling when I heard Guddu`s cry when she was brought out. I was so happy. The feeling can’t be explained. But then, when Pari was brought out, she did not cry and was immediately taken by the pediatrician to be resuscitated. I remember my heart praying for her to live. I wanted to get up from the operation theater table and be with my daughter. Those few moments before she, too, cried were perhaps the most anxious moments for me.

I remember my husband and his family left soon after I was shifted from the operating theater to the room. He came to the hospital the next morning, after Mummy had gone to the temple, and started shouting. I found my courage after the doctor left and asked Kamal to seek help for his anger, otherwise he would lose all three of us someday. I do not think he cared. In fact, perhaps he wanted that.

I remember holding my daughters the first time I went into the nursery. I remember trying to feed them and crying when it would hurt too much. I remember everything as if yesterday. And then, on the ninth day, all my in-laws came to the hospital. My younger sister-in-law was going back to Singapore and they stopped by on the way to the airport. My paternal aunts, who were with me at that time, congratulated my sisters-in-law for being aunts to two daughters at one go, to which one sister-in-law responded, “God forbid such a moment comes again in my life when I become the aunt of girls.” To this, my mother-in-law replied, “Do not worry! These girls won’t survive. They are born in the 7th month.” So still they were praying that my daughters would not survive.

3.People tend to assume that there is a correlation between being educated and accepting girls as equal. This wasn’t the case for your husband and in-laws. Why do you think this is so?

If you go by sex ratios, they are the lowest amongst the educated and well-to-do. They know the technologies and they know how to manipulate the laws. The sex ratios are further lower amongst children of daughters as they have friends who will gladly do the sex determination for them (http://www.ndtv.com/article/india/fewer-daughters-for-india-s-doctors-suggests-shocking-report-330885).
My husband was the only son of his parents. Therefore, the question which arose again and again was: “How will the family name be carried forward?”

4.As we know, it is the man’s sperm that determines the gender of the child. Why do you think that some educated people who know this still blame the woman for giving birth to a girl?

I asked the same question of my mother-in-law. She answered, “Your crime is not bearing daughters, but in refusing to get them aborted.”

5. You are the first woman in India to file the Pre-Conception and Pre-Natal Diagnostic Techniques Act (PC&PNDT Act) against your husband as well as the doctors and the hospital that performed the illegal sex-determination test. What inspired you to do so? What do you most want to happen as the result of your case?

When I filed my case, I had no idea that I would be the first one in India doing so. It was my parents who encouraged me to fight back for my, and my daughters’, rights. My father has always taught me two things:
1) Live with dignity. Never compromise your dignity.
2) Fight for what is right.
If we educated people do not fight back against what is wrong, how can we expect an uneducated women, with no parental support, to do so?
If we will not fight the darkness, do we have a right to complain?
My parents educated me. That’s the most I can give my daughters. What I can do is to work to change our society for my daughters, for our daughters.
Mrs. Bijayalaxmi Nanda played a very vital role in encouraging me, believing in me and standing by me when everything around me seemed dark. I have never felt that this is my fight to save my daughters. I have always felt this is my and Mrs. Bijayalaxmi Nanda`s fight to save OUR daughters.

6.What do you hope to achieve from this fight?

The accused must be punished for the wrongs they have done to my daughters and to me. I want my case to be a positive example for any woman who wants to save her daughters.
Every man and his parents must think twice before torturing a woman. They must be afraid that their daughter-in-law/wife can grow into another Mitu if they torture her. A woman is like Goddess Laxmi of the house when she is given love and the same woman can become Goddess Kali if her children are threatened.
Basically men and their families take women for granted. They think they can easily spoil one woman`s life, get away with it and remarry. This belief is increased by the way our judicial system functions. The pressure is always on the woman to compromise.

7. How many years have you been fighting this case and why do you think you have not gotten justice yet?

I filed my first police complaint during pregnancy in 2005. In 2006, I filed my first complaint in the crime against woman cell (the police station where crimes related to women are heard and registered). However, from 2006-2008, it was all about mediation and compromise. Every woman who approaches the police station is asked to compromise and go back to her in-laws. The police are not willing to register the case. And I met a similar fate. One mediator went to the extent of telling me that I should go back to my husband and in-laws, and that my parents can turn to the legal system when I am killed.
It is the patriarchal mindset of every authority figure who is supposed to give justice to a woman. I am considered as a criminal for dragging my husband and in-laws to court for something as simple as their wanting a son. According to many judges and other authorities, everybody wants a son. So it is me who is harassing my husband and in-laws. I have not given them a son and now I am dragging them to the court.
Moreover, the doctors and the hospital where the sex determination was done are very powerful. They are well-connected politically and are very rich. They have hired the best of the lawyers and the best of the law firms. They can easily manipulate things. I am a simple woman and a single mother. I cannot afford a big law firm like they can.
Furthermore, they have been influencing my lawyers too. I had to change so many lawyers because, ultimately, my lawyers would start harassing me to withdraw the case and do a settlement.

8.Tell us why it’s important that more women who are going through what you did should come forward. What is your advice and encouragement to them?

I am facing a difficult fight, perhaps because I am the first one to do so. If this becomes a trend than it won`t be difficult, but it will become difficult for men to force their wives to kill their daughters. If even a handful of mothers join me, then we can be the change…. I am fighting with a hope to see it become a MASS movement, i.e. Mothers Against Sex Selection.
Likewise, as the sex ratios are declining, the crimes against women are going to increase. Rapes, trafficking, etc. are all on the increase. A gender-neutral society is a peaceful society but a society full of men is a violent society.
And most of all: IN INDIA ABORTION IS ALLOWED FOR A CONGENITAL ABNORMALITY. BEING A FEMALE IS NOT AN ABNORMALITY. EVEN GOD MADE AN ADAM AND AN EVE. WHY ARE WE MESSING WITH HIS EQUATION…?

9. Do you think Indian girls are endangered? And if yes, why?

Yes. Indian girls are endangered. According to a UNICEF report, 7000 female feticides happen every day in India. If that is not enough, the girls who are born are ignored, exploited, not given nutrition, uneducated, not taken to hospitals, etc., and many of them die before their fifth birthday.
Even if they survive their fifth birthday, then child marriages, rapes, assaults, dowry deaths, and other acts of violence take their toll. A female in India is in danger from before conception (pre-conception sex-selection techniques) until her death. At no stage of her life is she safe if she is a common woman like me and you. I am not talking about rich and powerful women such as Mrs. Sonia Gandhi and Mrs. Sheila Dixit, and those like them.
10. You were fortunate to have your parents’ support when you left your husband. They have supported you and your girls through your trial. What do you have to say for women who don’t have the support of their parents? What options do they have?

This is a very difficult question to answer. I, myself, say that the only reason I am fighting is because my parents stood by me and supported me. Our society and judiciary do not like women like me. We are seen as trouble-makers. I can only hope things will change soon, that at least society’s support will be made available for such women.

11. Why is India turning a blind eye to the violence and murder of Indian girls? What can the government do to make India a safer place for girls?

India`s administration is largely motivated by the voter pool. A desire for sons and a dislike for daughters is so ingrained that no party, whether ruling or opposition, will ever do anything to implement the laws strictly, or do anything to stop this mass murder, because they are afraid they will lose the voter pool. The women vote for those whom their husbands and in-laws tell them too. Moreover, the patriarchy is ingrained into our minds.
Add to it the corruption. Why it is that the conviction rate is so low? If 7000 female feticides happen every day, how is it that convictions have not happened for even 500 doctors?

12. How can people support you and your cause?

Help me by spreading the word! When more people know about me, the safer I’ll be. Help me in encouraging more mothers to come forward, because, as I said, the more women who join me in this fight, the better are our chances of changing this system which supports the practice of killing daughters.
Till today my father has been working hard to support my legal battles, though it is becoming increasingly difficult for him due to his age and health issues. Following Satyamev Jayate (a popular Indian talk show), thanks to Mr. Aamir Khan, one large legal firm was providing me legal aid pro-bono. However, due to some differences of opinions, wherein I was being forced to settle the matters and go back to my husband, I had to let go of them. I am no longer being helped by the firm.
I am on my own. I want to continue the fight I have started. But now I am finding it very difficult to do so. For one, the opposite parties are very rich and powerful. They have hired the biggest law firms to represent them. They have the power to influence the judiciary and the lawyers.
I am neither rich nor powerful. Alas, I do not fit the picture of the poor: an uneducated woman whom one of the big NGOs, such as Center for Social Research, Jagori, etc., would be happy to support. I am held up in the middle.
Additionally, the accused have a variety of ways to go scot-free. Our legal system works on the principle of “convicted beyond doubt.” So the only thing rich and powerful lawyers have to do is to create a doubt…ENOUGH TO LET THE ACCUSED OFF.
Today I am taking each day as it comes. Campaign Against Pre-birth Elimination of Females (CAPF), along with GirlKind Foundation, has started a trust to help me with my legal battle (http://www.girlkind.org/index.php/explore/resources-links/justice-for-mitu).

Thank you to Roshan Gujar for interviewing Mitu and Judi Kloper for editing the interview.

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